Thank You Note for Lizzo’s Watch Out For The Big Grrrls
Dear Lizzo,
As I sat crying watching your show (as I did for every episode), a thought kept bubbling up.
Thank you. For everything. You didn’t have to do this.
Just being a big black woman with talent for dayssssss showing up unapologetically every single dang day. All that. All that is enough for so many women. Just to see you. You let yourself be seen. Nakedly. Authentically. Naturally. Thank you for that.
I Needed You in 2019
I was beginning the first steps of my eating disorder recovery. Writing letters to myself, to my body, to former fitness icons, to previous coaches. Finding where I got the idea that fat = bad. Fat = stupid, lazy, messy. Fat = unattractive, unsexy, undesirable. Unworthy.
Three months into it, I found your music. And by finding your music, of course, I found you.
You are so yourself. You own yourself in the most liberated way. In a joyous way. You take up space. You enjoy that space. You don’t call it out as a joke, you don’t have any defenses up about your size, your appearance, your femininity. You just… are. By just being yourself, you showed me that I could be myself. Thank you for that.
A Therapy Task
In recovery, my therapist asked me to write a letter to my body. I wrote it. It was apologetic. It was sentimental. It felt strange to write. I so rarely considered my body something worth acknowledging. I spent so much time working to alter it. Just talking to it as is felt odd.
I read the letter in therapy the next week. That also felt stra-ange. Then she gave me the follow up task.
Have my body write back.
I didn’t know how to do it.
So…I just didn’t. For a few months.
Then I found your music. I found you. I couldn’t sing a lot to many songs because I didn’t feel your conviction. But being in the presence of your conviction was strength enough. After that I could write the letter.
The voice that came out was strong.
Was angry.
Was passionate.
A voice I didn’t think I had. A voice I ignored for a long ass time. I’ve copied a portion of that letter at the end. That letter was and is a touch stone of recovery for me. I could not have written it without first hearing your voice. Thank you for that.
Now For The Show
Fast forward to this incredible show. This breath of joy, inclusivity, discipline, generosity, positivity.
There are standards in this show. But not like in other reality shows that I watched growing up.
During Naked Week, I was reminded of a certain modeling reality show. I watched a lot of that show when I was growing up as a way to gaze on thinner bodies in the hopes it would inspire my own.
In this show, if a contestant wasn’t comfortable following instructions for a photoshoot they were not On Top anymore. They held their boundaries, they apologized, and they left.
The girls who compromised their boundaries were praised.
“You were so brave!”
“You grew so much!”
“You stretched and hit the mark!”
Their mark. Not that woman’s mark. Her boundary didn’t matter. Only the producer and photographers.
Now here I am watching your show, watching girls who are struggling to find their own voice and boundary. They speak up and say, no thanks, I cannot embrace being fully nude. But I can show up in this other way.
And you just celebrated their beauty and not. one. comment. about “holding back.” Or “being scared.” Or “not trying.”
It must have made those girls feel so safe. Because just witnessing made the idea of holding boundaries feel safer for me. Thank you for that.
Lizzo Would Make A Great Therapist
Lizzo you show me so much about unconditional positive regard. This is a fancy ass phrase in therapy.
It’s a way to say that we like our clients all the time but not in a like-like kinda way. Not in a, we’re family or I’m in love with you kinda way.
You showed these girls unconditionally positive. You always hoped for their best. You gave them many opportunities to shine.
You also confronted mistakes. You also confronted shortcomings. You held your own boundaries too. I think it gave those Big Grrrls the courage to hold their own later. It was so beautiful.
I Wept Every Episode
Not because every episode was sad. But because every episode contained raw joy. Joyful women containing joy. For the sheer pleasure of it.
Women engaging in vulnerability and authentic expression. For the pleasure of it.
Women working hard, fueling well, talking it out. For the pleasure of it.
They had big dreams. They wanted to beat the world’s expectations. And yet, there was no harshness.
Watching big women clap, chant, and stomp. Break glass. Make videos. Learn choreography. Free style. It made me weep.
They belonged to themselves. You gave big women a space to be fully seen and fully appreciated simultaneously.
I wept for joy. Joy because of their joy. Like a candle in the darkness, proving that light does exist. Thank you for that.
I Learned About Boundaries
Tanisha and Lizzo set B O U N D A R I E S. I know I have a course called Boundaries Bootcamp. But honestly I need them to have a course called Boundaries Bootcamp. And I need to attend.
They looked women in the eye. Women who wanted more than anything to be told “you can have another chance”. And they said “this is it, please go home.”
They were so kind while setting those boundaries. And also so damn strong. In places where my knees would have been weak. Where saying “no” or “it’s time to leave” would feel impossible. With sincerity, clarity, and kindness, Tanisha and Lizzo said it. And let it breathe.
It gave me a sense of courage just watching.
I now have icons to channel when I say no. Thank you for that.
You Didn’t Have To Do This
Just you being yourself. That was incredible. Your artistry was plenty of hope and joy. You didn’t have to make sure your back up dancers were bad ass big grrrls. You didn’t have to open up your big grrrl crew to non-professional dancers. And make a show about it. A show that served joy, tenacity, excellence, and authenticity.
But you did.
I feel such profound gratitude. And inspiration.
At the end of the whole show, you say, I had to liberate myself first.
I’m so grateful you did.
And that liberation would have been enough. But then you decided to try and lift up women everywhere with you.
You didn’t have to. But you did. And all I have is thanks.
Emilea
April 26, 2019 1:26 PM
From: Emilea’s Body
To: Emilea’s Consciousness
Here’s the deal: I am trying so hard to help you. But the bar keeps changing on what you think you need. My job is to make you live. To LIVE. Not exist. Not float. Not meander. Not wither and shrink. Live.
I am going to do so many more things than be dainty and looked at. My job is not to be still. I am not a photograph. I am not a sculpture. I am a b e i n g. I am a four dimensional container, and I thwart your logic and your reason and your agreements without even a single thought.
You want power? You want to see precision? You want mysticism and divinity? How many times did you tell yourself to blink? Or for your heart to beat? Bitch I keep you alive. I love you. I protect you more than you are willing to protect yourself. I sacrifice more for you and hold boundaries for you and save you, without even an ounce of your awareness.
You are trying to kill yourself. I am trying to protect you and hold you and move you through this life in more dimensions than two. I am straight up the real deal. You can’t be amazed at my wonder, fine. But at least I keep being wondrous, regardless of what you think. I am always always ALWAYS myself. I never compromise it. Not ever. Not once. I don’t sleep. I don’t rest. I don’t get bored. I am working with ancient purpose in you and through you to help you be. To help you just b e.
I’m not opposed to working out. I am opposed to it solving all your problems or forcing me into a box. Some kind of perfect matrix where I do as I’m told. I like moving, I like being strong, I like being sore and trying new things.
Don’t ask me to be something I’m not. Don’t expect this to go 100% perfectly where everything turns out as you’d like. Because I don’t like all the things that you like. And if you go up against me I may placate you now. But I will win. Ever. Time.
