An Anxiety 101: What Helps, What Hurts, How to Reach Out
What is anxiety?
Anxiety is an emotion. It’s a feeling. Everyone experiences this emotion throughout life. Brene Brown (I’m a fan girl til the end) defines anxiety as xyz. There is a difference between the feeling that comes and goes, and the disorder.
Anxiety disorder is when the feeling and physical symptoms make it difficult to be yourself.
Is there a more technical definition? 100% Most of my clients don’t care about the characteristics that the DSM outlines. Because whether they hit every check box or not - they’re not happy.
The anxiety, perfectionism, and tension headaches are preventing them from being the partner they want to be. It’s holding them back from being present with their children. It’s causing their confidence at work to dip. New ventures, new relationships, new initiatives. They end up staying as ideas and one-days because of their anxiety.
Isn’t being constantly anxious normal now?
Between the pandemic, the war in Ukraine, inflation, student loans….isn’t everyone anxious all the time? Isn’t it just normal?
I’m hearing this a lot right now. Is a constant state of anxiety normal? It's certainly common.
The pandemic is a global, collective trauma we have all experienced as humans on planet earth the past two years. For some of us, it was the first major traumatic event. For many of us, it was not.
PTSD is a disorder after (post) someone has experienced traumatic levels of stress. It's an anxiety disorder. Not everyone who has anxiety has PTSD, and not everyone who's experienced trauma has anxiety. But far too many people don't understand that the chronic level of stress they experience is not okay, and that they can seek treatment and tools to feel better and live the life they want to live.
Is a constant state of anxiety normal? If by normal you mean healthy or fine, then no.
Understandable? Absolutely. More common than many will admit? 100% Fine? No.
The Common and Sneaky Form of Anxiety
The sneakiest form of anxiety that I see is perfectionism. My clients are driven and hard working. They want to give their all and be the best. For them part of being the best is helping the most students or patients.
The women I see have trouble even seeing their perfectionism. I could write a lot about this, but instead I’ll put up some quotes from women who captured it perfectly.
Those high standards and high levels of need they encounter create chronic stress or toxic stress. This leads to high levels of anxiety, panic attacks, and depressive symptoms.
Anxiety and Depression Hold Hands
I wish more people knew this. Anxiety and depression often coexist. They’re frenemies. When one gets really bad…the other comes to “save the day.”
The Mother In Law Example
Sometimes I’ll have a client who had a big upswing in her anxiety. Her mother-in-law was in town. The passive aggressive tension was thickkkk. The client’s perfectionism kicked in hard and allowed her to cope. She was a great hostess. She let the sly comments and side eye go. She smiled and made a kickass cake. That’s the anxiety.
After the MIL leaves… my client is exhausted. She wonders why she’s so tired. No longer has an appetite. Just wants to stay in her bed binge watching Bridgerton. That's the depression.
Big energy bursts that come from a dump of adrenaline and cortisol in your system. That is often followed by big energy dips. It's common for someone to swing between stress and fear and anxiety… to sadness and apathy and numbness.
What Can Anxiety and Perfectionism Look Like?
-Trouble sleeping
-Prone to getting sick more often
-Mood swings
-Struggling with a sensitive stomach.
-Chronic headaches
-Achiness in their joints
What Strategies Help With Anxiety
You should know there are a billion strategies for anxiety relief. If you’ve tried five dozen things and it hasn’t worked…there are many more to try. Medicine, meditation, mantras. Resting, reading, remembering.
There are effective strategies for you in the world. It’s okay if you haven’t found the right ones yet. You might just need help finding the right things or right combinations.
My Personal Favorite Strategies To Help With Anxiety
These meet the physical need for a stress release and mindfulness coping skills. Stress needs to be physically released from the body daily. In order to avoid mental and physical health complications you need to relieve stress regularly.
-Going for a walk
-Calling a great friend
-Watching a funny movie
-Breathing intentionally
-Enjoying a long hug with your partner
All of these decrease the stress hormones in your body (cortisol and adrenaline). All of these increase hormones that promote relaxation, connection, and positivity (oxytocin and serotonin).
Even if the stressor isn’t solved. The project is still ongoing at work. Your partner is still being an asshole. You’re still getting a call from school about your teenager. You can still in the midst of that shit show release the stress from your body. That has to happen or the mental work won’t be as effective.
Mindfulness strategies are also extremely powerful. They can combine the physical release (intentional breathing) with restructuring your experiences.
Some of my clients looove a meditation. Vedic meditation can give them the rest their bodies crave.
Some of my clients haaaate meditation. The idea for sitting still that long and not accomplishing something…. It drives them nuts. So instead I introduce them to mindful practices they can do while folding laundry.
These practices slow you down. Mindfulness connects you to the present moment. It helps you unhook from the endless train of what-ifs and how-will-I’s. You can tap into your truest self. These practices allow my clients to notice they are not their anxiety. They get to remember who they are outside of that anxiety. It also teaches them how to invite anxiety onto the bus without it taking the wheel.
Wanna Try?
If you want help for your anxiety now, try to just download a mindfulness app. There are dozens out there. My favorites include Headspace and Oak. For opposite reasons actually.
Headspace gives a curriculum. My former A+ students looove a good curriculum. Headspace teaches you and helps you experience at the same time.
Oak on the other hand is very very simple. It has 9 options. Five of them are guided. Three of them are just intentional breathing exercises that take less than a minute. I always encourage my clients who are nervous they won’t do mindfulness “right” (helloooo perfectionism!) to start with Oak.
What If The Idea of Starting Therapy for Anxiety… Makes Me Anxious?
Know you are not alone!
I'm a therapist. I needed to go back into therapy a few years ago (I’m still in therapy now!).
When I went to make the first appointment, my palms were sweating.
You’d think that I of all people would be able to make a therapy appointment easy peasy lemon squeezy. All of the scary stories came out though. What if the therapist thinks I’m a bad therapist for needing therapy? What if she thinks my problems are too small for therapy?
And I of all people know that therapy is awesome. I know the people coming to therapy are sensitive, strong people. I remembered that. I felt the fear. I made the appointment anyways. And my life is so much better because of it.
Know that you're talking to a professional.
Your therapist will understand where you're coming from. If they don’t…they’re not the therapist for you. The most important healing factor in therapy is the relationship between you and the therapist. Not the techniques. Not the philosophy. Not the diagnostics. The relationship between you and the therapist. So if you get on the phone with a therapist and don’t feel comfortable. The vibe isn’t right. Then my friend, that is not the therapist for you.
Think about it as a hiring decision.
You're ready to sleep better. Connect well in your relationships. Feel fulfilled and confident. You're hiring a person to help you get there. If they're not right for the job, it's their loss. You will find someone who's a good fit for you and can take you where you want to go.
Want To Interview Me?
In online counseling, I can equip you with tools and offer a mindset that decreases burn out, relieves anxiety, and gives you refreshment and authenticity. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation today and empower yourself to honor your humanity and your calling!
