6 Things A Therapist Wants You To Know After Watching Netflix’s The Ultimatum
Disclaimer: This post is for education and entertainment purposes ONLY. I am in NO WAYS diagnosing these very real people or setting treatment goals for them. I and hopefully everyone understands that this is a show. It has producers, editors, and a schedule. There are many things that happened between these real people I did not see. Cuz it’s a show. I write this for two reasons. One, so my husband doesn’t have to hear all my therapist thoughts about reality TV. and Two, in case someone watching this show thought ‘wow, that sounds a lot like the arguments I have with my boyfriend’ or ‘yikes, I’ve totally said that before.” Maybe there are some helpful take aways in thai post for you.
The Ultimatum: Helpful Boundary orrrr Catchy Phrase For A Reality Show
Nick Lachey opens this whooole thing by saying, “Psychologists agree that an ultimatum is not a good way to get someone to do what you want. But it can be a great way to get the answers you need.” And for the most part I agree with this group of anonymous psychologists. Really, another word for an ultimatum is a boundary. It is ok for us to move in, it is not ok for us to move in together without a proposal. It is ok for us to have a life long commitment, it is not ok for that commitment to be informal.
Unfortunately, a lot of the people coming into this show didn’t seem to agree with that definition. They were really banking on this experience changing their partners behavior. Some of these women are very confident in their ability to cook, clean, and be beautiful. And while that could make the feminist inside me sad…I totally understand. Interanlized sexism exists. It exists in me. I listened to it in these talking head interviews. Moving on.
Alright, take aways from me, a licensed therapist.
#1 Allow Your Partner To Walk Away
It’s a safety issue. You should always allow your partner to walk away during an argument.
They’re usually called time outs. When time outs stop being helpful is when there isn’t a plan to meet back. If you find yourself overwhelmed or flooded and need to go, here’s what you do: Say, “I feel like I can’t do this, I need a break, I will be back in 30 minutes.”
Then go for a walk. Go to another room (do NOT slam the door). Hide out in the backyard. Some couples think it’s ok to go for a drive. Some don’t. During your time out, just focus on taking deep breaths and get calm. Do not rehearse the argument over and over.
Allow. Your. Partner. To. Leave. Let them the heck go. They are overwhelmed, overstimulated, flooded. If they stay, they will say or do something they will regret. Walking away when overwhelmed is a difficult skill. Asking for a time out is a high level skill. For those who have it - congrats that’s amazing! That’s really tough.
For those who have partners with that skill, it’s normal for that to freak you out. It can be anxiety producing for your boyfriend or girlfriend to walk away during a fight. That anxiety is normal and needs to be managed. Manifesting that anxiety by blocking your partner is a recipe for disaster. And potentially aggression. As you see on the show.
Interpartner violence occurs between all sexes.
Most assume that it’s male-female, because that’s when it is most dangerous and deadly. Female-male is extremely common, as we see. From the edited film footage, it seems that Rae was in a situation where she couldn’t leave. Zay is very tall and big. I imagine he was really afraid in that moment. I think he was scared that if she walked out that would be the end of their relationship. And it turns out those fears were correct. But he needed to manage that anxiety on his own and let. Her. the. Heck. go.
Rules for taking a time out:
The person who’s leaving has to give a “i will be back at x.” The other person needs to let them go without physically blocking or verbally blocking.
Verbal blocking isn’t as physically dangerous. It will undermine the safety and love in the relationship. Shanique chastises, almost belittles, Zay for walking away. Saying, “you walk away every time, you need to learn to stay” isn’t helpful. Nope. If he needs to walk away and come back, then that’s what he should do. I get that there are cameras there and so following the rules for a time out is weird. It muddies the water. But he needs to walk away, without verbal chastisement.
#2 Be Vulnerable With Your Partner
Otherwise you’re not really having a helpful argument.
These people cannot be vulnerable! I get that there are cameras and therefore strangers present. It would be much harder for me to say the true and vulnerable thing in front of a camera and a boom and the people operating the camera and the boom mic.
So this take away is just if these conversations feel familiar to you even though you don’t have a camera crew.
Recognize when you are afraid and angry, and lead with the soft vulnerable feeling. Start sentences with “I feel afraid/small/insecure…”
So for example, Shanique and Randall get back together for their trial marriage. Shanique asks Randall to list a flaw of Madlyn’s. This causes a big ole argument that ends with Shanique walking away saying “fuck the ring!” to her dog instead of to Randall.
A real life version of this might be “I saw you with your ex last night. Remind me why you hate her? She was the worst right?” That’s not the issue. That’s not the vulnerable truth. The vulnerable truth might sound like, “I saw you with your ex last night, and you were laughing and having fun. That makes me really scared that maybe you still have feelings for her. And I don’t know what that means for me, and it scares me.”
That’s a more vulnerable thing than “Can you tell me something you think is wrong with your ex, because if you can list something bad about her I’ll feel more secure.” And that’s not even what Shanique said. That actually would have been more beneficial than what she said I think. But again - it’s a reality TV show, and I know under the same circumstances I would be super embarrassed.
#3 Stop Interrupting. Start Listening. Please.
Wow there was so much interrupting on this show. Again, that’s just anxiety management. Feeling like I’m not going to be heard unless I talk right now. In that case, both partners need to work on their own anxiety about the conflict. And being able to understand how to listen and how for someone to feel heard. Mirroring their body language, nodding your head, checking your facial reactions. Even using the other person’s words.
Checking to make sure you understand what they’re saying to THEIR satisfaction.
Example:
“I saw you with your ex last night laughing and talking, and I started to freak out like maybe you still had feelings for her.”
Partner 2: “You’re freaking out because you think I have feelings for my ex, am I hearing you right?”
#4 There’s A Difference Between Reasons and Excuses
As each person is learning about themselves, they are communicating that. So there’s a lot of “that’s not an excuse!” or “I’m not using this as an excuse.” I think at one point Zay literally says, “That’s not an excuse, but that’s my excuse” which I found funny. That’s exactly the type of thing I would say in the moment.
Excuses and reasons both provide context and extra info. This is what was going on, these were my thoughts, these were my intentions. Important stuff.
An excuse is extra info that will relieve me of any responsibility in this situation.
So if you think about when you were a kid and you had a doctor’s excuse. That says this kid is not responsible for their absence, here’s why. So an excuse is “I'm not responsible, because of x, y, and z.”
A reason is adding information and accepting responsibility.
“This is what I was thinking, this is where I was coming from, and I know that hurt you and I”m responsible for that. I apologize for that. I wanted you to know where it was coming from.” That’s a reason. Reasons can be really helpful. They help us understand our partners and ourselves. You can get a clear, true story about why my partner just stormed off. Or why did I just blow up at that, my partner probably thinks I’m nuts.
#5 There’s A Way To Take a Break
There is so much tension (predictably) from these couples taking a break from their relationship. Whether the individuals did or did not follow the “rules” of taking this break. Cue every meme and gif of Ross Geller.
There were some expectations. But it’s not clear if there were rules from the show or just between original partners. Those rules were broken though. That’s where things get unpleasant and sometimes ugly. Like April didn’t seem to like Rae and Jake kissing but didn’t get angry. Shanique was really upset when she found out that Madlyn and Randall kissed and were holding hands. Things got ugly when Madlyn found out Colby was keeping his relationship with girls outside of the show a secret. It’s not ok if you talk to random strangers about our relationship, but it is ok if you talk to other cast members.
If it was ever possible to take a productive break…it would go a little like this.
Do the opposite of everything Ross and Rachel did.
Communicate expectations
Are we broken up? Are we still monogamous? Are we allowed to contact each other? Are we allowed to date other people? Or hook up with other people?
During the show Shanique met up with Randall even though they were in different trial marriages. Some couples got physical, some discussed their past relationships, some tried to hook up with people outside of the cast. And it’s unclear whether they broke a rule or just hurt feelings.
Make those expectations with cool heads
I know it’s really hard to set. Rachel asked for a break after fighting through the night. They weren’t in a space to hash out those details. You could argue people will never be in a place to make those expectations. But I would say give a solid 24 hours for those details to be hashed out. Don’t be Ross. Don’t be Zay. Don’t go to a club to forget your woes, drink a lot, and sleep with the copy girl.
Side note about Friends, for no reason other than I can:
At some point Ross says yeah, let’s take a break from this fight. Let’s go get ice cream. That would have also been awesome. Because in a cooler headspace Rachel could have said, “I need a break from this relationship. I’m not sure for how long. I need a few days without us talking. I still want us to be monogamous, I don’t think we’re officially done. I’m just so overwhelmed. I need to clear my head and some space to figure out what I need and what works for us.”
#6 Childhood Trauma Is A Good Reason
Zay does such a great job of owning his childhood trauma. Anyone can experience childhood trauma (go take the ACEs questionnaire to find out if you have!). Zay says these experiences in my childhood are impacting my ability to have the relationship I want. Zay is absolutely, 100% correct.
Shanique is completely out of line when she suggests he’s using his childhood trauma as an excuse. He’s not. It’s a reason. It’s a damn good reason.
When someone has major childhood trauma that affects the way they have attachments for the rest of their lives. They’re not broken. It’s not a forever thing. It’s just really hard to relearn how to be in a healthy relationship as an adult. Relearning a true understanding of safety and connection if early on those weren’t real or healthy. That’s really freaking hard.
The good news is trauma made in relationships can also be healed in relationships. Being in a good romantic relationship is going to be very hard and totally worth it. Both partners will need a TON of very clear boundaries that way the person with the trauma isn’t constantly a victim and their partner has needs to be met. They just need to have more understanding of why it can be a struggle at times.
It’s going to feel more stressful, and also so awesome. Childhood traumas are difficult to rewire but 100% possible, and it’s really beautiful.. Love is a very powerful force of healing. It’s very cliche and totally backed by science.
If you found these take aways helpful, and please know you can live the life you want and have the relationships you want. In online counseling, I can equip you with tools and offer a mindset that decreases burn out, relieves anxiety, and gives you refreshment and authenticity. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation today and empower yourself to honor your humanity and your calling!
