Perfectionism and Anxiety in Relationships
“I’m just a perfectionist.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m a perfectionist, I just like to have things just-so.”
“I don’t need everything to be perfect…I just really want things to be perfect.”
I hear these from clients all the time. Whether they claim perfectionism proudly or try to mask it as people pleasing or having high standards, perfectionism is pervasive. Especially with women. Women have been conditioned to be silent until perfect (a beautiful Eve Rodsky quote from the latest podcast of Raising Good Humans).
Most of my clients struggle with some form of perfectionism. They call it anxiety, being a people pleaser, a control freak, or suffering from social anxiety. But it can all be summarized with “perfectionism.”
What Is Perfectionism?
The overwhelming urge to hit high and excellent standards. Sometimes perfectionism shows up in every area someone puts in effort. Sometimes a person is a perfectionist in one specific arena - work, physique, relationships. Perfectionism requires you to be faultless in order to be safe or worthy of connection.
Ultimately, perfectionism is a manifestation of the desire for control. If you can perfectly control this outcome. Sing the song and dance just so… then you can control how you feel and how other's feel around and about you.
Sometimes it works - that's the problem.
Because perfectionism isn't a baseless coping strategy to find meaningful connection and purpose. People (especially women) return to it again and again. In exchange for it working some of the time, it will drain you. It will absolutely suck the joy and energy out of you if you let it. Because the truth is we have little to no control over emotions.
Perfectionism is a beautiful mirage that leads us to die of thirst.
Signs of Perfectionism:
Physical Signs:
1. Tightness in your jaw and shoulders
2. Having a sensitive stomach
3. Prone to headaches
4. Trouble sleeping
Psychological Signs:
A sense of nervouseness or dread when accomplishing a task isn't going well
A relentless focus on things that need to be accomplished
Overwhelming feelings of shame or guilt when expectations are unmet
Other Common Signs:
Rigid thinking
Competitiveness
Extremely driven
Perfectionists are often the go-to person at work, because they'll get a task done no matter what.
Think of Leslie Knope, Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, Monica in Friends. Driven, accomplished women, at the top of their fields (we all assume Meg Ryan is a ridiculously successful journalist right?). Struggling in relationships.
Is perfectionism a mental disorder?
Nope! It is however associated with them. Perfectionism is an aspect of anxiety, particularly social anxiety. Women who struggle with perfectionism that I see often feel like they can't be themselves unless they’re the best. They don’t want to share a new idea, or show a new skill until it’s perfect. The idea of serving up a mediocre dessert makes their chests tight. Not answering a question in a meeting perfectly makes their palms sweat.
Perfectionism and Anxiety in Relationships
The first relationships that you can notice perfectionism and anxiety in is the parent-child relationship. Perfectionism often develops in childhood. A kid can feel unworthy of connection or affection unless they were excellent. Once the kid makes honor roll or makes a great score, their parents shower them with praise. “Did you see my kid? She’s a star!”
When you were growing up if winning = gushing affection. And not winning = very little attention, or even out right correction…perfectionism makes sense. It’s a coping skill. It keeps you belonging. Be like everyone else except be the best. Fit in and also beat everyone.
This shows up in relationships all the time
In romantic relationships…
women can deny their own needs for attention, connection, and sex because they think if they’re perfect then they’ll get it. Perfectionism never teaches you to ask for what you need. It says be amazing and it’ll be given to you. And if it’s not given to you, it’s your fault. Be better, and maybe you’ll get what you want.
So women go on diets, buy uncomfortable shoes, try contouring for the first time. They learn how to cook, watch sports they don’t care about. Or worse, they just stay silent. They sit on the couch going over the check list of everything they’ve done.
This wreaks havoc. It sows resentment. It creates opportunities for other people outside of committed relationships to meet their emotional or physical needs…aka emotional and physical affairs. Those are a dousy on any monogamous relationship.
Even if you avoid that particular outcome…you’re still in a crappy relationship. You’re trying your damndest to be perfect. Have the man, the career, and the bod. And you’re still missing something, and you don’t know how to ask for it unless you’re furious.
At work…
perfectionism is an ideal trait in an employee. It allows employers to systematically take advantage. Wherever you see high levels of burnout, there is usually a systemic need for perfection.
See all the clients in the world, do all of your paperwork on time, and receive pennies and a good conscience for knowing you were awesome.
Teach 30 kids in a classroom. Give them the attachment they need along with the ability to ace standardized tests. And twist yourself into a pretzel and we’ll give you a pizza party you rockstar!
See dozens of patients. Push yourself to the absolute physical and mental limit to care for others in their most acute need. And here’s a cape superhero!
Just for being so stellar. So perfect. So not in need of rest, money, and boundaries.
You see the problem?
When do I need to do something
If you find it terrifying to just be…yourself. If you find yourself white lying constantly to make yourself look awesome or others feel great. If you’re finding yourself in relationship after relationship where you’re doing everything and getting nothing. Then it’s time to do something.
If you feel totally swamped in shame (thinking “I’m so stupid. I should have known better. I need to work harder. I’m so lazy.”) If you break out into sweats at work when something falls through the cracks. If making a mistake makes you nauseated. Then it’s time to do something.
There is a good life beyond perfect. It sounds crazy - but it's true. I can help.
What I Can Do About Perfectionsim
First, perfectionism thrives because of deep rooted narratives about who you are and who you’re allowed to be int he world. That’s best addressed in therapy.
If you need an exercise to get you through the day, I’ve got you.
Thought exercise for perfectionism and anxiety
The most common exercise I do with the women in my practice struggling with perfectionism is to ask them to think of a close friend or family member who made a mistake. Who tried something new and it wasn't amazing.
Did they lose everything? Did people point and laugh? Did their spouses immediately file for divorce?
Most often they push back against those fears, and say that they thought their friend was brave. They found thier family member more lovable and endearing. We explore the possibility that they could have this perspective about themselves.
Feeling exercise for perfectionism and anxiety
When the big anxiety about lacking perfection comes up, I ask my clients to ground themselves in their body. Take deep, meaningful breaths, knowing that this pang of shame and panic will fade.
Feelings are not facts, and they can still take brave, meaningful, imperfect action even when it's hard.
You Don’t Have to Struggle.
In online counseling, I can equip you with tools and offer a mindset that decreases burn out, relieves anxiety, and gives you refreshment and authenticity. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation today and empower yourself to embrace your authentic self.
