Superhero Complex

Or why exhausted teachers, overwhelmed nurses, and burnt out moms work so damn hard for so damn little.

You’re a Superhero!

I think every helping professional in South Carolina took turns being a superhero during the pandemic. Teachers are superheroes! Nurses in hospitals are superheroes! Nurses in senior living facilities are superheroes! Moms are superheroes!

So often women are called superheroes instead of being offered support. And there’s a reason. Superheroes don’t need support if they’re really superheroes. There are two things that make a superhero: back story, and a broken world.  

The Backstory of a Superhero

Usually there’s a traumatic or difficult event that creates an intrinsic need to help and fight injustice. For Batman it was the death of his father. For Wonder Woman it was a strange man colliding into her safe world. For most helping professionals, it goes back to the role they play in their family.

Yeah..we’re going to get into family stuff. Maybe it’s a parent-like figure to other siblings. Maybe you’re a peacemaker. Maybe you’re the comedic relief. There is intrinsic and extrinsic reward when the people they cared about felt seen and happy. The flip side is also true.

It’s also easy to get nervous and antsy when parents or siblings are irritated or sad. Often times adults who choose helping careers were helpers as kids. They were the person everyone could look to. Now the recognition and approval they get from bosses, coworkers, and clients mirror the affirmation they got as kids. 

Quit Being So Helpful

Deciding to not play that role can feel very very scary. Like, make your palms sweat, throat tighten, stomach turn type of scary. Not putting on the superhero cape is tough. For many, it takes therapy to learn healthier ways of connecting and coping.

But The World Is So Messed Up

And there’s lots of reasons for you to continue doing all the things. After all, the second component of the superhero complex is a broken world. Anddddd hellooooo the world we live in is pretty fricking broken. The world is messed up right now. And it’s easy to think “well if not me, then no one, and that’s not okay” and so you take on something else.

The Superhero Complex is Lying

Superhero Myth #1: You Don’t Have Superhuman Strength

You do not have super human strength all the time. Oh, I know you do in a crisis or when someone’s counting on you. But not all the time. Eventually, you’ll start getting sick. You’ll stop sleeping well. Your energy will tank. Your mood will be all over the place. You do not have a superhuman nervous system. None of us do.

Superhero Myth #2: You are Your Work

Your job is the most important thing about you. As in, “Hello, my name is Emilea, and I’m a teacher.” “Hi, my name is Jack and I’m a therapist.” That myth robs you of your humanity. It robs you vulnerability and weakness, sure, but also of joy and wonder, love and humor, satisfaction and true connection. It is hard to find meaning without your humanity.

Superhero Myth #3: The Only Way to Give Back is At Work

You’re watching the news, watching your coworkers, watching the people you serve. The world is on fire. Surely you need to work harder, longer hours, do more trainings. But there are so many ways to be a helper. The world needs great friends, loving partners, and present parents. 

Superhero Myth #4: You Can Fix the Whole World

This myth puffs you up (“Look at you, saving the world! Molding children! You’re such a saint! You’re so generous and giving!”) and then the moment the truth of your humanity comes out, this myth drop kicks you. You’re bad at your job. You’re a bad teacher. You’re a bad person. You should be able to handle this. You should be able to fix this. You should be capable but you’re small and weak.

The beginning of this is false, no matter how intoxicating. The end of this myth is false, no matter how cruel. 

Systems Hire Superheroes

Have you checked out the job listings for teachers in South Carolina lately? They’re a doozy. “We’re looking for people who are passionate, with unyielding work ethic, are high performers with optimism and motivation, team players with purpose and motivation.”

Translation: people who can’t say no.

No wonder we have exhausted teachers, burnt out healthcare workers, and defeated mental health professionals. You want to be a superhero with little self care, shallow boundaries, and eventual martyrdom. And now you’re being paid to be a superhero by the system you’re employed by.

Break the Cycle

It is possible to not play this game. You don’t have to be living with anxiety, with a pit in your stomach, with resentment in your bones.

This is an excerpt from my Boundaries Bootcamp. A totally free course full of the what, why’s, and how to’s of boundaries. This course is full of info, and resources I’ve created and curated. It’s completely free.

In online counseling, I can equip you with tools and offer a mindset that decreases burn out, relieves anxiety, and gives you refreshment and authenticity. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation today and empower yourself to honor your humanity and your calling!