6 Ways to Help A Stressed Out Friend
Even if you’re friend is an air quotes ‘friend’, wink wink, nudge nudge.
Magical fact
You can stop feeling stress even if stressful things are still happening. It's possible to resolve the physiological stress in our bodies even if the stressors is on going.
Let’s say you're working on a demanding project that will take months. You can still relieve the stress in your body from working on it all day. Even though the project isn't done!
There are a few proven ways to relieve stress.
Let’s break it down.
Gentle (or not so gentle) exercise. It can be as gentle as a ten minute yoga video. A walk to the mailbox. It could be as intense as a HIIT session or lifting serious weights. But get your body moving and heart pumping. Release endorphins and reduce the cortisol in your body.
Intentional breathing. I recommend 4:7:8 breathing to clients to decrease their heart rate. It signals to their body that they are safe. There's no need to activate fight, flight, or freeze. It doesn't have to be super slow. If you're stressed and short of breath, start breathing in the pattern at the rate you're breathing. Then over the course of a few minutes slow it down.
Physical affection. There is nothing quite as stress relieving as a long hug, a gentle kiss, or a shoulder rub. It releases oxytocin in the body, allowing you to feel safe and relaxed. So if you know the person you love is stressed. And you know they’re open to physical affection. Bring them in for a big long hug, no words needed.
Crying releases cortisol from the body. It literally relieves stress! You can either cry from the amount of stress you've been under (been there!) or watch a show or movie you know is a tear jerker. Your body doesn't know that you're crying because of This Is Us - it just knows it's releasing stress from your body.
Similarly, laughing also helps release stress. Not just cute half laughs though - you need big belly laughs. Put on their favorite comedian, or bring up America's Funniest Home Videos on youtube. Let yourself roll on the floor with laughter and the stress can melt away.
Positive social connection - call your friend! Vent about your day to your mom. Or offer to help a coworker with something unrelated to your stress. Interacting positively with others can help remind us how great it is to be human.
What to say to someone who is stressed
Just validate! A great trick I learned in grad school is to use their own words.
If your friend goes, "I've had the suckiest day at work ever", you can listen to them vent. Then say "yeah, that does sound like the suckiest day ever."
You don't have to say much. Just let them know that you're tuned in and listening. Affirm that stress is the natural response to their experience.
What Not To Say
Please don't be a fixer. It's hard, I know. When you care about someone, you don't want them to stress. You want to fix it for them. But it's THEIR stress. They probably know what their options are.
Other no-nos include:
“Don’t be stressed”
“That doesn’t sound too hard.”
“Relax
When you say "relax" to a stressed person, they feel invalidated and misunderstood.
Feeling misunderstood causes tension or STRESS in that relationship.
They probably didn't need another source of stress.
How chronic stress turns into depression.
Chronic stress is sneaky and debilitating. I see it a lot in women, and especially women in helping professions like teaching or nursing.
Chronic stress or toxic stress is first and foremost a physical condition. Your body has a response of hormones and organs that get activated during stress. When that stress response gets activated often your body gets tired.
Cortisol and adrenaline are incredibly helpful hormones. But soaking in them day after day will corrode your body.
Chronic stress is feeling extremely stressed most days of the week, most weeks out of the year.
People with chronic stress are going to struggle. Get sick, struggle with sleep, suffer with mental health issues.
My clients with chronic stress struggle with depression AND anxiety. With feeling inadequate in their jobs and as a person. Their fatigue, illness, and sensitive stomach stops them from living their life on their terms.
Signs to look out for in someone who is stressed
Most stressed people will let you know they're stressed.
Most people with chronic stress don't know they have chronic stress.
They know they have demanding and rewarding jobs. They're often labeled "superheroes." Sometimes they’re obvious superheroes like a nurse or a therapist. Sometimes they’re just the superhero of their office.
Signs that tell you a loved one is struggling with chronic stress include:
Mood swings
Easily irritable
Suddenly forgetful or struggling with focus
Reports struggles with sleep
Often getting sick with a cold or the flu
Struggling with a sensitive digestion.
Stress is a physical and mental experience, and both have to be addressed in therapy in order for both the immediate stress to be relieved and released, and to create a plan to change the demand/resource ratio causing that stress.
Tailor Made Stress Relief
In online counseling, I can equip you with tools and offer a mindset that decreases burn out, relieves anxiety, and gives you refreshment and authenticity. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation today and empower yourself to honor your humanity and your calling!
