Boundary Basics

Who needs boundaries?

Well, everyone. But especially those afraid of disappointing others. People who feel like they’re just never enough time, energy, or of you to go around. Who know that they are compassionate and a little competitive, overachievers with big hearts and big brains tired of being tired. More than likely, you’re a teacher, nurse, therapist, or parent (or some combination). 

Empty Cup

Lemme guess - So often, you’re told ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup.’ I call BS. You’re given gift cards and seminars about how to fill your cup. But that totally misses the point. If you were to pour a gallon of water into a shallow tea cup, it wouldn’t matter how high quality the water is. It’ll overflow. All the water on the table and floor will evaporate. Any of the water in the cup is still difficult to pour precisely. It’ll slosh out everywhere.

What you need is a pitcher. Tall, thick walls that can hold lots of wonderful things and pour out precisely. Tall, strong boundaries make for kinder, more compassionate people.

What the hell is a boundary?

Simply, a boundary is a line of difference. If you think about looking at a property, a boundary is the line that says this part is mine and that part over there is yours. It’s much simpler with property because you can hire a  surveyor when there’s a dispute. You can’t hire a surveyor to declare what’s your and what’s not in relationships. 

The second definition is “what is ok” versus “what’s not ok” (as synthesized by the beloved Brene Brown). It is ok for you to come to my house, it’s not okay for you to jump on my furniture. It is ok to ask for my help with the presentation, it’s not ok to demand my help fifteen minutes before the presentation. It is ok for you to call me, it’s not ok to keep me on the phone for two hours. Stuff like that. 

Hula Hoops

Imagine there’s an invisible hoola hoop circling around you. Inside of your hoola hoop are your thoughts, feelings, actions, and responsibilities. Now everyone has this hoola hoop around them of their stuff. When you care about others and work closely with others, you can see inside of their hoola hoop - what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling, what they’re responsibilities are. When you really really care about people, it is really really easy to look inside of their hoola hoop, see something you don’t want to be there, and just scoop it out.

Best. Friend. Ever?

Say you’re my good friend and you’re feeling really sad and defeated after a hard day- I’ll take that feeling, put it in my hoola hoop as a responsibility to fix. I’ll send you uplifting videos, a good meal, take you shopping. That would make me a really generous and kind person. Say my boss that I work closely with is overwhelmed with a hard task that I know I could do well. I’ll volunteer to take it off their plate, and I work over the weekend to complete it. That would make me a team player, a go getter, a life saver. People value me. I gain self esteem. That’s how it starts. Can I tell you how it finishes?

Burnt out, crispy fried, toast, exhausted, don’t give a crap about anything. Then I start throwing things out of my hoola hoop. It sounds like “You know what, i can’t even today, that’s their problem, they’re going to have to figure it out.” or “They are driving me CRAZY, they just suck all the life out of me and make me so frustrated.”  

Sound familiar?

I don’t want you in either place. Don’t get me wrong, the first part can feel awesome. It feels good to help others. Plus the reward is also awesome - being considered an invaluable team player, an incredible friend, a life saver. It’s pretty exhilarating. Most of the people I know find this stage exciting - and exhausting. They’re hustling. The effort isn’t authentic or peaceful. It’s overwhelming and stressful.

I think this quote gets at the heart of the boundary. You need healthy distance to love yourself and to love others. If you’re not doing the first well, then you won’t be doing the second at all sooner or later. Boundaries help you be confident in your yes, peaceful in your no. You can do less, and be more.

Want more?

This is an excerpt from my Boundaries Bootcamp. A totally free course full of the what, why’s, and how to’s of boundaries. This course is full of info, and resources I’ve created and curated. It’s completely free.

If you want to dive deeper and tailor boundaries for you and your work life, schedule a phone consultation now!